Monday, March 30, 2009

STEP 9! What NOT to DO...

Step 9: Get Out!

I should've been listening to myself when I wrote this as a Saved Draft:

So, I'm mostly finished with my Step 9 (Making Amends step). I saved the Biggest for last: My husband.
Sorta weird for ME to be formally making amends to HIM before he has done it with ME (he's turtling toward Step 3...maybe 4... IF he ever actually meets with his sponsor again..sigh. He sees him in meetings, but is slothful about setting up meetings w/ him 1-on-1 to GET ON with the rest of the damn Steps--OY!)
HE, afterall, is the character-flaw-riddled sex addict...yet, I am to make the Amends first. Can you hear my Self-Pity oozing about? Shut up. I'm actually soooo over-Myself and am looking FORWARD to making amends to Mr. Wisdom. Really.
My Amends mostly revolve around my Drinking issues.I drank a lot of wine at night for lots of years. In the bath tub. With the door locked. Before bed--always to chill out.No DUI's, no drinking in the day, no falling down the stairs or Mommy Dearest stuff...lots of NOT YETS...

YET.Many amends to make. Like this Lovely: falling asleep during sex. A LOT. Not good for any male's ego; hiding bottles, on-and-on...

NOW the post can read:
HOW NOT TO FECK-UP YOUR AMENDS with YOUR POOR BASTARD of a HUSBAND...who truly only wanted you to simply acknowledge that:
Hey! Maybe, just MAYBE your drinking career in the 20+-year-marriage might've been a bit of a Whopper of an ISSUE...and NOT the minuscule-tinsy-knotty annoyance you craft it out to have been...But, noooooooooooooooo!
Even though I planned to shut-the-feck up and I KNEW to keep HIS SA Issues out of MY AMENDS...blah-blah...that it was NOT...NOT! about MY HURT--but his...I STILL fecked it up straight away.

Made a manky, shetty attempt at my 9th step with him last night.
"If my drinking MIGHT have harmed you...well, of course, I'm sure it did, right?"... LAME-ASS minimizing and not-wanting-to-DEAL /acknowledge the TRUTH.
Minimization-Rationalization 101
Shet. Some example I am!WHY is it so hard for me to ADMIT my faults? WHY?I must make-it-right TONIGHT.

Called my A.A. girlfriend to confess about 1 hour ago...

Head is now fully pulled-out-of-me-arse.
Amen. Sigh...


Cat said...

You can get it right, it's hard and I doubt that many can do this sort of thing flawlessly, so I applaud your effort and your bravery and yours balls for going first. Because your program has allowed you to be right where you are supposed to be.

Willow said...

Oh gosh! I hate it when I screw up like this too, especially when I'm prepared to do so well. That may be why it happens because I'm just so sure that I've got it down and God let's me know that I really don't get myself at all. One step at a time, Scribbling-Mum.

AllisonRhodes said...

I totally understand, Scribble. You can always mail him a letter so that there's no way you can be drawn in to feeling defensive or hurt about what he did to you.

My STBX and I both owe each other amends. I think they're going to have to be living amends for a long time. Allison