Tuesday, August 24, 2010

I'm back...i think...

Wow. Been a long time...
BUT, I really need to blog about all of this stuff. I find very few honest blogs about living with sex addiction. Would LOVE to find one where the SA is telling it how it really is for them. Seems most are so afraid of their anonymity being broken...

It took me a while to even remember/ascertain my password ...sigh.


Monday, July 13, 2009

The Hospital...

I mostly update on JWC (Junky's Wives Club/wives of sex addicts forum)...but I'd like to start posting HERE more...we'll see...

My gut feelings proved true...and all blew up AGAIN on June 30th, wherein, I kicked him out of the house like a bad re-run. Turns out my Husband had still been acting out on & off w/ a massage girl from a year ago (developed a "relationship" w/ this 40-year-old "girl"aka, it's-free-that-way & he admitted he just used her)...plus he'd also been acting out in other random new massage places when he had a bit of money.

More later...am still in shock to some degree...but Relief to finally get the truth out...I have this strange measure of PEACE now...can't explain it. My ANGER is simply usurped by my pain for my girls.

Something CHANGED in me 2 days after I found out.

Instead of my H., my older daughter had to be the ONE there w/ me @ the hospital while I was put under in order to have that medical test done.The gravity of it ALL just HIT ME. Here I am, and my Husband isn't here because he's been fecking his prostitute girlfriend...he hasn't been present for a long time...the Truth IS what it IS...no more denying it. I felt for my 22 dd who was still in her own shock & pain about her dad...having to try & be strong for me...so fucked up.

They gave me the I.V...& I started to cry as my daughter held my hand...not because I was scared about the TEST...but because I realized FULLY that my Husband had ABANDONED ME & was caught, yet again...& we were OVER. No matter almost 23 years of marriage, no matter he'd been a great father & husband for most of those years...no matter he'd been in Recovery...1 foot in/penis out...

My heart cannot take the LYING/Deception any more...and my H. & I both have realized how sick he truly is...and that *I* can't save him.

I've been doing this for 2 1/2 years...4 D-days...

I have such a long, long Road ahead of me...littered with Great Financial Disaster & MORE Heartache...but Kitty says I'll be okay...somehow, I'll make it...love my kitty.

p.s. - Am thinking of getting highlights in my hair for summer...must get Kitty's approval first...heh.

Monday, March 30, 2009

STEP 9! What NOT to DO...

Step 9: Get Out!

I should've been listening to myself when I wrote this as a Saved Draft:

So, I'm mostly finished with my Step 9 (Making Amends step). I saved the Biggest for last: My husband.
Sorta weird for ME to be formally making amends to HIM before he has done it with ME (he's turtling toward Step 3...maybe 4... IF he ever actually meets with his sponsor again..sigh. He sees him in meetings, but is slothful about setting up meetings w/ him 1-on-1 to GET ON with the rest of the damn Steps--OY!)
HE, afterall, is the character-flaw-riddled sex addict...yet, I am to make the Amends first. Can you hear my Self-Pity oozing about? Shut up. I'm actually soooo over-Myself and am looking FORWARD to making amends to Mr. Wisdom. Really.
My Amends mostly revolve around my Drinking issues.I drank a lot of wine at night for lots of years. In the bath tub. With the door locked. Before bed--always to chill out.No DUI's, no drinking in the day, no falling down the stairs or Mommy Dearest stuff...lots of NOT YETS...

YET.Many amends to make. Like this Lovely: falling asleep during sex. A LOT. Not good for any male's ego; hiding bottles, on-and-on...

NOW the post can read:
HOW NOT TO FECK-UP YOUR AMENDS with YOUR POOR BASTARD of a HUSBAND...who truly only wanted you to simply acknowledge that:
Hey! Maybe, just MAYBE your drinking career in the 20+-year-marriage might've been a bit of a Whopper of an ISSUE...and NOT the minuscule-tinsy-knotty annoyance you craft it out to have been...But, noooooooooooooooo!
Even though I planned to shut-the-feck up and I KNEW to keep HIS SA Issues out of MY AMENDS...blah-blah...that it was NOT...NOT! about MY HURT--but his...I STILL fecked it up straight away.

Made a manky, shetty attempt at my 9th step with him last night.
"If my drinking MIGHT have harmed you...well, of course, I'm sure it did, right?"... LAME-ASS minimizing and not-wanting-to-DEAL /acknowledge the TRUTH.
Minimization-Rationalization 101
Shet. Some example I am!WHY is it so hard for me to ADMIT my faults? WHY?I must make-it-right TONIGHT.

Called my A.A. girlfriend to confess about 1 hour ago...

Head is now fully pulled-out-of-me-arse.
Amen. Sigh...

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Where is the Truth?

I just discoved yesterday that Mr. Wisdom has deceived me about Something Else. Yet Again. A Big something, but unrelated to SA stuff. I thought how similar it is to Willow's situation with her SA spouse. That non-truth telling thing that is just soul-destroying for a marriage.

Our tax lady is utterly fed-up & furious with my husband. He never seems to be able to pay her OR to follow-through on doing whatever it is that he says he'll do. She's given him many, many chances. We need her. She specializes in doing taxes for contractors--it's all pretty complicated. When my husband first went to her (a recommendation from another renegade contractor) he had to admit that he'd always been under-the-table as a freelance cement finisher and therefore, hadn't ever been above-board & actually paid his taxes. We fought about this for years! WHEN was he going to deal with it? We coulkd get into HUGE trouble--it wasn't right. Soon, he started hearing of other contractor & finisher friends who were getting popped & owed the government a lot of money. He got scared.
Yet, semi-annually or so he'd explain to me that it wasn't REAALY that big of a deal since he DID work for Budweiser before he met me and had paid his taxes then (for a few years), and the government probably owed him money anyway (he's a Master at Magical thinking). Smug arrogance abounded. Was maddening for me.
This under-ground status would explain why my husband had no credit at all for years...he paid cash for things & mostly got paid in cash (unless you were w/ the union (which didn't pay enough), you were under-the-table...all of the finisers we knew were. He had nothing on paper. We bought a house only because his mom was on the deed. We finally got a few credit cards due to my credit (even though I had no income).

When he finally got his contractor's license he sought out the tax lady, Annie. She's a sweet grandmotherly type & adored my charming & handsome husband at first. Then she felt sorry for him, then she was onto him, now she's just fed up with him. I was supposed to be taking over all of the tax stuff because it became explosively apparent that HE sure as feck couldn't get it together enough to do it. I was dealing w/ Annie. I clued her in about my husband's shortcomings, and said I'd straighten things out.
But. Then things blew up with the husband & I and I kicked him out of the house. I hadn't the emotional luxury to think about taxes or Annie or much else...I couldn't stop thinking about the horror of the man my husband had apparently become in the massage parlor ditch.
It was last fall when my husband had contact with Annie. I didn't know how much money we still owed her for 2007's taxes...I didn't know Other things...

I finally realized of course, my irresponsible husband had just let-it-go as he does so many, many things. I knew I had to call Annie & catch the fall-out & try to slavage her services, pay her something, & well, beg if necessary. I knew she sure as hell didn't want to talk to my husband.

I called. She vented. I agreed. She decided she'd give us 1 last chance but she was only doing it for ME...not my husband. "X just always runs from everyting in his life..." she said this about 5 times in the same phone conversation. she couldn't be more dead-on right.
I drove to her office & gave her $500.00 cash (wouldn't even run the risk of a check bouncing). She let me know how much MORE was still owed for 2007. She feels sorry for me...to have a husband so irresponsible. He needs to grow up she says. Once 2007 is paid, she'll deal w/ 2008...I brought her a file full of neatly organized papers/statements. My husband would just throw shet in a file and say it was HER job to sort it out (nevermind he barely ever even paid her!) He promised several times to send her stuff monthly so it doesn't get out-of-control...& to at least keep contact & make some sort of regular payments...never happened.

I profusely apologized (& worshipped her saintliness) and told her I'd be completely taking over the tax stuff & her payments; she wouldn't have to deal w/ my husband again. She's giving us 1 more chance.

Then, as I was leaving, she said she didn't want to stress me out any more...so we'd deal with it after the 2007 & 2008 stuff was paid/finished...
BUT. Did I realize that my husband didn't send in/PAY some of the back taxes she'd done from years before? The ones where we actually owed money? In some of the files he dumped off at her office one day last fall he inadvertently included the envelopes she had addressed to the state for him to send in...those taxes we were SUPPPOSED to fecking pay!
No, of course, I didn't know. I knew that he was stressed about owing them years before...but wasn't aware that he hadn't finally paid them nor sent them in at all. I DO remember us getting a letter from the IRS last fall stating that those years were missing...but my husband had said to send the letter to ANNIE cuz we had already done them--it must be a mistake.
My husband knew full-well what had happened or NOT happened.
Now we are over 1 year later...and I find this out.
I come home. I tell him. I thought it odd he was acting a bit weird/anxious about me going to see Annie. He said it was because he was afraid she'd say something to me...
I'm beyond angry. He lied again...deceived me again. He could have confessed even right before I went to her office. But no, he wanted to chance that maybe I wouldn't find out yet & so he kept the deception going nevermind the penalties or jail possibilities, etc.). I only find out the Truth when I catch him I told him. Sickening. He can't DEAL w/ how I might react to his ill deeds, so he excuses himself.
What's more is that in Disclosures he was asked several times IF there were any other people he owed money to...since I kept finding out more & more...he said no.
Now he claims THIS is the last of the money he owes (& it's a lot) that I don't know about. Recently, I found out he owed some more $$$ to a few laborers...um, they kept showing up at our house!

I just don't know. He's trying to rebuild the marriage is so many other areas...he's going to meetings, we're communicating better, he loves counseling, he signed-up for the Men's SA retreat, things were looking so hopeful...his general Self-Awareness is so much more evident...
Then This.
But there's always a REASON...and he's "trying" and he just needs my help...and of course, he's sorry...and he IS changing, but he's not perfect...blah-blah.
He spun into immediate extra Recovery Action & met his sponsor to begin his 4th step...like a little kid who gets caught & then goes & furiously, manically begins painting the side of the house that his Dad has repeatedly asked him to paint for weeks...

He feels he's always in trouble..has always been in trouble...and he has. But not sure IF he can ever get truly honest enough to grow up...and stop blaming others & connect that HE is the source of all of his problems.
He just sits there in the pain that he once again, has hurt me...and Others.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Some of My Favorite Sites...

Literary Mama...


The Sun magazine (I love the print subscription)


Brain, Child magazine

http://www.brainchildmag.com/ (love print subscription)

Sunday, March 1, 2009


I just had to post this picture.

This is the Husband & Moi rollerskating at our younger daughter's 15th B-day Party recently. Mr. Wisdom was shakey & afraid he was going to FALL DOWN. He wanted to grab my hand tightly. I explained to him that he can only have my pinky...ever-so-loosely; that if he falls, I don't want him taking me down hard with him. Skating is like that. The unbalance...the always-trying-to-right-oneself...Sex Addiction is like that.

I was so aware of the Metaphor when I unclenched his hand from mine & redirected him. We actually had a Ball skating that day. Most of us hadn't rollerskated in YEARS. We played Red-Light-Green-Light & did the Hokey-Pokey...all of the fun games we skated to as kids.

It was an amazing day indeed.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

PROMISES...& Blathering On...

Quick Post!
I know I promised to put up those Literary Links, etc. Sorry...Will do eventually...

I DID mange to start up the Recovery Nation Group at Junky's Wive's Club! As per usual, I'm probably trying to DO way too much.
I also sort of agreed to begin teaching 2 - 3 new classes at our home school group's Thurs. School for next year (Shakespeare--YAY!, World History, & a Creative Writing class...). Teaching will help off-set the costs of my daughter taking classes there, as it's pretty expensive (but wonderful).

I am still in the process of trying to find time to create a Writing Schedule for myself again...Sigh. Remember, I home school my special needs kiddo, which takes an INSANE amount of time & BLOOD.

I'm also trying to find another suitable writing group in my area. But, the teaching gig for the Thurs. School simply HAS to come first...as I desperately need the money/compensation in order for my child to be able to take fabulous classes from other teachers that one day a week. Currently, Thursday is my DAY OFF from home schooling whilest Child attends classes all day there. THAT will change once I'm teaching.
I guess I can't have everything. But boy will I MISS my Day Off!

And, I can't HELP but to think of the Mental Energy & Time I'd have IF I wasn't dealing with this damn SEX ADDICTION crap for the past 2 + years...

I've NEVER been so exhausted, tired, and lacking of energy in my life! The iron pills aren't really making a difference either...I think my system is wiped out from CRYING every day... Yet, I've been a poor eater (not enough) and an even poorer exerciser! OY!

Must go pick up my SquirrelNutkin child...nevermind my HOUSE is an absolute WRECK! I got rather used to having a family friend clean my house every other week for the past several years...THAT had to go considering our financial situation...:(
I reeeeeaaaallllly miss it.

Hope to hear from some of ya soon in our RN Group!