Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content.
~ Helen Keller
Christmas was difficult for me like it was for most of you. Those of us struggling to live with or to have some semblance of relationship with an addict is often harrowing, at best. It's tricky and wrought with acute pain and uncertainty. Perhaps the raw uncertainty is the most soul-wrenching part; the most fecked-up part. The what-ifs, the should-haves, the how-could-HE, Hell, the how-could-*I*?...the mind-spinning identity crisis that ensues and swirls on some Godfersaken-Endless-Loop: His and Ours and Mine, but especially ours.
How the feck did we even get here and WHY? Always: Why?
Spinner: If I have my left foot on the RED circle and my right hand on a YELLOW, can I possibly reach for the far-away GREEN circle with my left hand, scissor-kick over diagonally with my right foot onto that BLUE circle behind it, without falling & collapsing onto YOU? Onto Us? Onto Myself?
Do I lose no-matter-what?
Mr. Wisdom felt that maybe we shouldn't put our wedding rings back on until we talk to our marriage counselor about it. He wants to do things right this time. He liked that she is part of our church and the whole spiritual accountability thing. We'll be meeting with her and her husband again in 3 weeks (they are both therapists and work as a team).
I think this is a good idea, but at the same time, I don't want to wait to put our rings back on, and of course, I question his motives somehow.
He stayed over Christmas Eve. He stayed over on Christmas Day. In our bed. Weird. My cat even thought it suspicious. We still aren't physical at all--just a peck on the cheek or a spoon-back-hug. Huge, for us right now.
The day after Christmas we drove 6 1/2 hours to my mom's house. We decided to put our rings on, afterall; retrieved them from the trusty God Box before we left. No Drama. Just a quick agreement and kiss before we ran out the door. It's unspoken, but we both sort of feel like if we make ANY Big Deal out of anything anymore with some inane monster ritual, it'll just feck things up worse--jinx 'em or something or ENSURE failure by some voo-doo mojo or some such shet.
Mostly, I just didn't want to think about it long enough to cry; that is why I made it a quick oh-by-the-way-non-drama item. I'm so weary of crying all the time.
I'll leave out most holiday details, as I already wrote about some of it over on JWC. I'm finding it sort of tough to write there and then feel motivated to blog here, also. Hopefully, I just start blogging here more.
After Mr. Wisdom's little financial/banking omission the day before yesterday, I am just STUCK...again. Reminded yet again that his Core Issue is not sex addiction, but LYING and oft in some smallish way; usually, rife with the leaving out of bits-of-info. in simple mundane things. He, able to justify non-truths or half-truths, hoping that things work--will probably work out, the way he said they did/said they were/would. Um, even if they haven't actually HAPPENED/worked-out in Real Time YET (and maybe never will or could, save the fantasy). He meant for them to, so had me believe them to be already accomplished even though of course, they hadn't been yet.
This was the only thing we ever really argued about over our 20 years of marrriage before the SA was disclosed: Complete truth-telling. Dependable honesty. Oh, and finishing things.
Mr. Wisdom:
Here's novelty: Doing EXACTLY what you say you are going to do when you say you are going to do it. Saying what really happened consistently. Truth-telling. No passive-aggressive bullshet.
AND, that no amount of Other Good Deeds (yes, you've been a fabulous father & husband for the most part; yes, you've sacrificed & worked your arse off for us; yes, you have treated me like a Queen & I DO appreciate that you've always told me how much you love me & adore me; yes, you've always stood by me through all of our life tragedies...) can erase the heinous damage that LYING or Deceiving me does. No Amount.
Not sure WHY you always default back to: "But look at all of the good I have done!" in moments of immature panic. It's great that you are Beginning to SEE that you do this now. I KNOW you are overwhelmed looking finally at your lack of character, deep down. I think even you are appalled. Mostly, terrified of what to DO about it. How to start? How to change most Everything about your inside Self. That lifetime of poor coping & the Hiding. I don't know how painful that must be.
But. I just can't imagine how long & hard it'll be to ever rebuild TRUST with you again...those patterns of omission keep popping-up like timed toasters. The little deceptions Just. HAVE. to. Stop. I told you this again last night. It's NOT really about the Sex Addiction, it's about so much more.
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