I just discoved yesterday that Mr. Wisdom has deceived me about Something Else. Yet Again. A Big something, but unrelated to SA stuff. I thought how similar it is to Willow's situation with her SA spouse. That non-truth telling thing that is just soul-destroying for a marriage.
Our tax lady is utterly fed-up & furious with my husband. He never seems to be able to pay her OR to follow-through on doing whatever it is that he says he'll do. She's given him many, many chances. We need her. She specializes in doing taxes for contractors--it's all pretty complicated. When my husband first went to her (a recommendation from another renegade contractor) he had to admit that he'd always been under-the-table as a freelance cement finisher and therefore, hadn't ever been above-board & actually paid his taxes. We fought about this for years! WHEN was he going to deal with it? We coulkd get into HUGE trouble--it wasn't right. Soon, he started hearing of other contractor & finisher friends who were getting popped & owed the government a lot of money. He got scared.
Yet, semi-annually or so he'd explain to me that it wasn't REAALY that big of a deal since he DID work for Budweiser before he met me and had paid his taxes then (for a few years), and the government probably owed him money anyway (he's a Master at Magical thinking). Smug arrogance abounded. Was maddening for me.
This under-ground status would explain why my husband had no credit at all for years...he paid cash for things & mostly got paid in cash (unless you were w/ the union (which didn't pay enough), you were under-the-table...all of the finisers we knew were. He had nothing on paper. We bought a house only because his mom was on the deed. We finally got a few credit cards due to my credit (even though I had no income).
When he finally got his contractor's license he sought out the tax lady, Annie. She's a sweet grandmotherly type & adored my charming & handsome husband at first. Then she felt sorry for him, then she was onto him, now she's just fed up with him. I was supposed to be taking over all of the tax stuff because it became explosively apparent that HE sure as feck couldn't get it together enough to do it. I was dealing w/ Annie. I clued her in about my husband's shortcomings, and said I'd straighten things out.
But. Then things blew up with the husband & I and I kicked him out of the house. I hadn't the emotional luxury to think about taxes or Annie or much else...I couldn't stop thinking about the horror of the man my husband had apparently become in the massage parlor ditch.
It was last fall when my husband had contact with Annie. I didn't know how much money we still owed her for 2007's taxes...I didn't know Other things...
I finally realized of course, my irresponsible husband had just let-it-go as he does so many, many things. I knew I had to call Annie & catch the fall-out & try to slavage her services, pay her something, & well, beg if necessary. I knew she sure as hell didn't want to talk to my husband.
I called. She vented. I agreed. She decided she'd give us 1 last chance but she was only doing it for ME...not my husband. "X just always runs from everyting in his life..." she said this about 5 times in the same phone conversation. she couldn't be more dead-on right.
I drove to her office & gave her $500.00 cash (wouldn't even run the risk of a check bouncing). She let me know how much MORE was still owed for 2007. She feels sorry for me...to have a husband so irresponsible. He needs to grow up she says. Once 2007 is paid, she'll deal w/ 2008...I brought her a file full of neatly organized papers/statements. My husband would just throw shet in a file and say it was HER job to sort it out (nevermind he barely ever even paid her!) He promised several times to send her stuff monthly so it doesn't get out-of-control...& to at least keep contact & make some sort of regular payments...never happened.
I profusely apologized (& worshipped her saintliness) and told her I'd be completely taking over the tax stuff & her payments; she wouldn't have to deal w/ my husband again. She's giving us 1 more chance.
Then, as I was leaving, she said she didn't want to stress me out any more...so we'd deal with it after the 2007 & 2008 stuff was paid/finished...
BUT. Did I realize that my husband didn't send in/PAY some of the back taxes she'd done from years before? The ones where we actually owed money? In some of the files he dumped off at her office one day last fall he inadvertently included the envelopes she had addressed to the state for him to send in...those taxes we were SUPPPOSED to fecking pay!
No, of course, I didn't know. I knew that he was stressed about owing them years before...but wasn't aware that he hadn't finally paid them nor sent them in at all. I DO remember us getting a letter from the IRS last fall stating that those years were missing...but my husband had said to send the letter to ANNIE cuz we had already done them--it must be a mistake.
My husband knew full-well what had happened or NOT happened.
Now we are over 1 year later...and I find this out.
I come home. I tell him. I thought it odd he was acting a bit weird/anxious about me going to see Annie. He said it was because he was afraid she'd say something to me...
I'm beyond angry. He lied again...deceived me again. He could have confessed even right before I went to her office. But no, he wanted to chance that maybe I wouldn't find out yet & so he kept the deception going nevermind the penalties or jail possibilities, etc.). I only find out the Truth when I catch him I told him. Sickening. He can't DEAL w/ how I might react to his ill deeds, so he excuses himself.
What's more is that in Disclosures he was asked several times IF there were any other people he owed money to...since I kept finding out more & more...he said no.
Now he claims THIS is the last of the money he owes (& it's a lot) that I don't know about. Recently, I found out he owed some more $$$ to a few laborers...um, they kept showing up at our house!
I just don't know. He's trying to rebuild the marriage is so many other areas...he's going to meetings, we're communicating better, he loves counseling, he signed-up for the Men's SA retreat, things were looking so hopeful...his general Self-Awareness is so much more evident...
But there's always a REASON...and he's "trying" and he just needs my help...and of course, he's sorry...and he IS changing, but he's not perfect...blah-blah.
He spun into immediate extra Recovery Action & met his sponsor to begin his 4th step...like a little kid who gets caught & then goes & furiously, manically begins painting the side of the house that his Dad has repeatedly asked him to paint for weeks...
He feels he's always in trouble..has always been in trouble...and he has. But not sure IF he can ever get truly honest enough to grow up...and stop blaming others & connect that HE is the source of all of his problems.
He just sits there in the pain that he once again, has hurt me...and Others.