Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Where is the Truth?

I just discoved yesterday that Mr. Wisdom has deceived me about Something Else. Yet Again. A Big something, but unrelated to SA stuff. I thought how similar it is to Willow's situation with her SA spouse. That non-truth telling thing that is just soul-destroying for a marriage.

Our tax lady is utterly fed-up & furious with my husband. He never seems to be able to pay her OR to follow-through on doing whatever it is that he says he'll do. She's given him many, many chances. We need her. She specializes in doing taxes for contractors--it's all pretty complicated. When my husband first went to her (a recommendation from another renegade contractor) he had to admit that he'd always been under-the-table as a freelance cement finisher and therefore, hadn't ever been above-board & actually paid his taxes. We fought about this for years! WHEN was he going to deal with it? We coulkd get into HUGE trouble--it wasn't right. Soon, he started hearing of other contractor & finisher friends who were getting popped & owed the government a lot of money. He got scared.
Yet, semi-annually or so he'd explain to me that it wasn't REAALY that big of a deal since he DID work for Budweiser before he met me and had paid his taxes then (for a few years), and the government probably owed him money anyway (he's a Master at Magical thinking). Smug arrogance abounded. Was maddening for me.
This under-ground status would explain why my husband had no credit at all for years...he paid cash for things & mostly got paid in cash (unless you were w/ the union (which didn't pay enough), you were under-the-table...all of the finisers we knew were. He had nothing on paper. We bought a house only because his mom was on the deed. We finally got a few credit cards due to my credit (even though I had no income).

When he finally got his contractor's license he sought out the tax lady, Annie. She's a sweet grandmotherly type & adored my charming & handsome husband at first. Then she felt sorry for him, then she was onto him, now she's just fed up with him. I was supposed to be taking over all of the tax stuff because it became explosively apparent that HE sure as feck couldn't get it together enough to do it. I was dealing w/ Annie. I clued her in about my husband's shortcomings, and said I'd straighten things out.
But. Then things blew up with the husband & I and I kicked him out of the house. I hadn't the emotional luxury to think about taxes or Annie or much else...I couldn't stop thinking about the horror of the man my husband had apparently become in the massage parlor ditch.
It was last fall when my husband had contact with Annie. I didn't know how much money we still owed her for 2007's taxes...I didn't know Other things...

I finally realized of course, my irresponsible husband had just let-it-go as he does so many, many things. I knew I had to call Annie & catch the fall-out & try to slavage her services, pay her something, & well, beg if necessary. I knew she sure as hell didn't want to talk to my husband.

I called. She vented. I agreed. She decided she'd give us 1 last chance but she was only doing it for ME...not my husband. "X just always runs from everyting in his life..." she said this about 5 times in the same phone conversation. she couldn't be more dead-on right.
I drove to her office & gave her $500.00 cash (wouldn't even run the risk of a check bouncing). She let me know how much MORE was still owed for 2007. She feels sorry for me...to have a husband so irresponsible. He needs to grow up she says. Once 2007 is paid, she'll deal w/ 2008...I brought her a file full of neatly organized papers/statements. My husband would just throw shet in a file and say it was HER job to sort it out (nevermind he barely ever even paid her!) He promised several times to send her stuff monthly so it doesn't get out-of-control...& to at least keep contact & make some sort of regular payments...never happened.

I profusely apologized (& worshipped her saintliness) and told her I'd be completely taking over the tax stuff & her payments; she wouldn't have to deal w/ my husband again. She's giving us 1 more chance.

Then, as I was leaving, she said she didn't want to stress me out any more...so we'd deal with it after the 2007 & 2008 stuff was paid/finished...
BUT. Did I realize that my husband didn't send in/PAY some of the back taxes she'd done from years before? The ones where we actually owed money? In some of the files he dumped off at her office one day last fall he inadvertently included the envelopes she had addressed to the state for him to send in...those taxes we were SUPPPOSED to fecking pay!
No, of course, I didn't know. I knew that he was stressed about owing them years before...but wasn't aware that he hadn't finally paid them nor sent them in at all. I DO remember us getting a letter from the IRS last fall stating that those years were missing...but my husband had said to send the letter to ANNIE cuz we had already done them--it must be a mistake.
My husband knew full-well what had happened or NOT happened.
Now we are over 1 year later...and I find this out.
I come home. I tell him. I thought it odd he was acting a bit weird/anxious about me going to see Annie. He said it was because he was afraid she'd say something to me...
I'm beyond angry. He lied again...deceived me again. He could have confessed even right before I went to her office. But no, he wanted to chance that maybe I wouldn't find out yet & so he kept the deception going nevermind the penalties or jail possibilities, etc.). I only find out the Truth when I catch him I told him. Sickening. He can't DEAL w/ how I might react to his ill deeds, so he excuses himself.
What's more is that in Disclosures he was asked several times IF there were any other people he owed money to...since I kept finding out more & more...he said no.
Now he claims THIS is the last of the money he owes (& it's a lot) that I don't know about. Recently, I found out he owed some more $$$ to a few laborers...um, they kept showing up at our house!

I just don't know. He's trying to rebuild the marriage is so many other areas...he's going to meetings, we're communicating better, he loves counseling, he signed-up for the Men's SA retreat, things were looking so hopeful...his general Self-Awareness is so much more evident...
Then This.
But there's always a REASON...and he's "trying" and he just needs my help...and of course, he's sorry...and he IS changing, but he's not perfect...blah-blah.
He spun into immediate extra Recovery Action & met his sponsor to begin his 4th step...like a little kid who gets caught & then goes & furiously, manically begins painting the side of the house that his Dad has repeatedly asked him to paint for weeks...

He feels he's always in trouble..has always been in trouble...and he has. But not sure IF he can ever get truly honest enough to grow up...and stop blaming others & connect that HE is the source of all of his problems.
He just sits there in the pain that he once again, has hurt me...and Others.


Eli said...

So sorry you're going through this. Like you said, it does sound similar to Willow's latest. For me, it's been a long road from lies to truth. I lied enough that I stopped noticing or even feeling guilty. What really made me turn a corner was getting a hold of how much it was hurting my wife (and her ability to trust.) Maybe he's beginning to see that? And hey, responding by doing more recovery stuff is better than responding by acting out. Maybe that can be a little bit of sunshine in an painfully stormy time.

MargauxMeade said...

I know this is hard to do considering that your finances are essentially HIS finances, but what if you and Annie just let him fall on his ass--stop walking behind him and picking up the pieces? As long as your wellbeing is tied up in things he's responsible for, you're going to have to keep scrambling around and trying to keep it all from falling apart.

I sense that he's going to keep hurting you--emotionally, financially, etc.--as long as you're so dependent on him. It could help to find a job (though I know it's tough in this economy), file your taxes separately, and let him hit his financial bottom. As much as SAs need to grow up, WE need to grow up, too, be responsible for ourselves, and make sure we save our own asses no matter what.

When I was living with my husband, so much of my energy went to making sure the bills were paid, making sure we didn't become homeless. Now that I've left, my husband's bills aren't paid and he IS homeless. Meanwhile, I smile and sigh with relief whenever I realize that MY bills are paid and I didn't have to chase after anyone to make sure that happened.

I know your situation is a lot different from mine, what with having kids and all that, but there's got to be a way that you can find ways to unravel yourself from his irresponsibility while still being married to him.

Scribbling-Mum said...


I know that it's not going to change over night...and he HAS made quite a bit of progress. And yes, it's great that he IS moving forward in recovery...but it's still tough...
He has made amends to me and feels God has taken away his work/business to humble him...and get him to start living more responsibly...with money, etc.

Thanks for sharing....I like to hear from the SA side...

I'd like to get more financially independent...but I home school my special needs kiddo...'tis tough. I'm trying to figure out if i want to go back to school, etc (I only have my A.A.)..but I'm 43 and not sure WHAT I'm up for! My special needs kiddo will STILL need lots of supervision/help--even when she's 18...
Am pondering all of my options though...thanks...

AllisonRhodes said...

Wow, a husband as hard to deal with mine but in a completely different way. I have been separated from him for more than a month.

Why is it that on all of these blogs I'm joining lately the husbands are so FREAKING IMMATURE? I mean WHAT IS THE DEAL!? We bloggers seem to be holding the world on our shoulders, and the husbands can mess up and mess up and still see themselves as victims.

I guess this turned into a rant. Thank God for the internet or I'd feel almost completely alone

Willow said...

Well girl, you know I can identify with you completely. I'd be pretty pissed about the taxes. I've owned my own business' since my mid 20's and I know how the IRS works. It's a total bitch to get behind because you get locked into continual fines that seem to never end.

At the end of my first marriage I discovered that our business was 10,000. in debt to the IRS! I was stunned. I don't suggest letting him fall with it because you will fall too. It's a crime. I took all the money out of our account so my ex couldn't do any more damage, put it in escrow w/my attorney and handled the problem.

It is really hard to have lies that extend beyond the sex addiction, for certain. My husband is getting better too but they have recognize the damage they are doing to the trust in the marriage. We are not OBLIGATED to trust someone when they aren't being trustworthy.

As for him always having a reason....I have told my husband recently that he is not giving reasons for his lies because that suggests reasonable thought processing. He is giving excuses. Huge difference.

Once he got that, I asked him to give me the real reason for telling lies and it came out in therapy that all he can think of in the moment is protecting the love I have for him. He's starting to get that he is damaging those feelings from the lies. I'm sure it's going to keep coming up but hopefully less.

theotherbed said...

Gosh, I could have written this post, almost word for word. When the last bookkeeper left in tears, it took me awhile to realize that every one of them had quit like this, never to be heard from again.

My husband doesn't pay taxes. He deals almost entirely in cash. We lost the house (2X), and he lost his business. At $31 dollars a pop, we lose hundreds a month due to overdraft charges. The funny thing is %-), when he finds out we're overdrawn, and usually he doesn't open mail from the bank, he gets pissed at the bank and sees it as a giant conspiracy against him. The victim thing never cease to astound and amaze me.

The financial issues are very much a part of an unmanageable life. And that whole picture has to be accepted before we can move forward. I'm totally with Margaux--let him fall on his ass, and most definitely we need to be responsible for ourselves.

Makes me think of the last line of "I know I am codependent when..." list we read at most COSA meetings: I know I'm codependent when the quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours. This, to me is the really big one. It isn't just about sex. It's about quality of life.

Hope you and me and everybody else who's stuck finds financial independence and serenity.

theotherbed said...

Hope you don't mind the double comment. In typical codep-obsesso fashion, I couldn't get this post out of my mind.

In re taking care of financial issues and screw-ups because they affect your income and financial woes...I had saved some money so that I could get away when things got scarey, and they are scarey, and when my husband was being threatened with eviction at his place of business, I bailed him out, more than once. Stupid thing to do. Now I have very little money on which to get away, and the business failed anyway.

And as a caveat, one of the reasons I'm having such a tough time finding a job is that I stayed at home with the kids and my resume reflects that huge gap in experience.

Someone else's financial recklessness can take you down, too, no matter how detached and how far along you are in your own recovery. Now that I'm ready to leave, I have to consider not only where the money is going to come from, but in a divorce, I could be held responsible for his debts.

So be careful. I wish you all the best. I know it's not easy, especially with the kids. But I just know that there is a way. It'll come.