Tuesday, September 30, 2008

BOOK RECOMMENDATION:

1. Love, Infidelity & Sexual Addiction - A Codependent's Perspective by Christine A. Adams (EXCELLENT!)

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Infidelity-Sexual-Addiction-Codependents/dp/0595159001/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1222794192&sr=1-2

RUN & get this on Amazon...have read it about 5 times now...She had to divorce her SA husband...but the book is soooooo honest about how WE get sucked into the BS/DENIAL, etc...Better than most SA books I've read (author is a therapist).

Monday, September 29, 2008

I MISS YOU...TEXT. HELL

I told him yesterday that I can only have a Business Relationship w/ him...he is still unable to stop lying. I'd told him he can only see younger daughter IF he isn't in active-addiction...espec. acting-out in person/phone in any way...he is unhealthy for her & unworthy of the privilege of parenting if that is what he CHOOSES...that Iwill set a schedule/boundary plan w/ the counselor on Wed. I told daughter Dad's thinking isn't right ...very tough indeed. Older daughter (21)told him he isn't welcome in her life until he stops lying & gets healthy/in true recovery.

Meantime, he has seen younger daughter a bit...short periods. I saw my woman counselor last week & will see our mutual counselor, Sam, this Wed. I will also plan the polygraph for prob. January. I need a "baseline of truth" @ this point...I think he's probably NPD & has some sociopath traits...pathological lying has always been there...
I also told him he prob. needs meds...antidepressants to quell things for now...AND he needs to go for STD testing...

He keeps texting me: "I MISS YOU" like before...I heard him tell the new massage girl on the phone he missed her, too ...
INSANE.

I'm not responding to his text unless it's business-or-kid related...

I know I need to update & finish my story...but sorta tough when your life is a Nightmare...I'm back down to 98 lbs...NOT GOOD...& if I endure 1 more fecking ENSURE PLUS chocolate shake, I'll...just hurt the mailman or Something.

I've told our counselor & my Husband many times that my Husband is a bloody Trainwreck in an Electrical Storm...THAT is his essence...I said this BEFORE I found out about the massage parlors...the prostitutes...Before.

The 12 Step SA/S-Anon Unity conference was really good...but heavy...There was so much tension between Mr.Wisdom & Moi...I wouldn't let him stay in our hotel room & he couldn't find a roommate, so he had to drive back "home" (staying w/ another SA) & drive all the way back to the conference in the morning on Sat. We heard SA speakers tell-it-like-it-really-IS...this sex addiction thing. That YOU are going to DIE unless you STOP. DIE. And kill those that love you in many, many ways.

My Husband has a sponsor in SA, (Gary) but has only met to do work w/ him once. Never got around to taking the next directions from Gary...Was lying about going to SA meeting SOMETIMES. Often, like before. Sometines, not. Sometimes, would go to meetings & then go to massage parlors straight away after. Recently, he'd say he was going to dinner w/ the guys after the Sunday SA meeting. This (no name) Mexican restaurant in Eagle Rock. Last time (before I busted him again a few weeks ago) he said he only "ate chips" w/ the guys there. I thought that was a bit odd. The week before that, he said he had to drive another guy to the restaurant AND back to the church where the meeting was. Oh. And his cell phone was dead, so he was calling to tell me/inform me that he was leaving it in his truck to charge...in case I was trying to call him. So many times it's: my cell phone doesn't get reception on X job nor Y, Z, job, nor in the Canyon, nor on the WAY to the cabin in that long stretch...nor on the jobs on hills...or I forgot to charge it...

And, he said they weren't giving out chips @ the meeting that night (said he had 90 days)...& the next week, he "forgot" to get his 90 Day chip...FORGOT!...& it just really wasn't making any sense for past the 6-7 weeks...

Then, about 6 weeks or so ago, he bought a track phone--cheap extra cell phone because he didn't get good reception at the cabin up north where he was working (he ended up starting BACK @ massage parlors on the way out of town on the WAY to/back From that damn cabin)...which is actually true (poor cell reception)...so THERE was a Fantabulous Excuse of the Century to buy another phone to call & act out with...

Of course, it never set right w/ me...and then I busted him on 9-9-08 setting up a session w/ a newish massage girl on his normal cell phone (Idiot, Yeah.)...she barely spoke English...at 1st I thought the conversation was w/ a laborer from work...NOT. So. I kicked him out of the house AGAIN. Separated again.

But this time was different. He LET the kids think he was home finally...that he was doing well...He snowed Everyone. Used me. Used the kids. Allowed me to have sex w/ him 2 times, knowing he'd been back w/ hookers. Risked my life AGAIN. He was supposed to be in that 90 Day Abstinence...AGAIN. He had 60 Days in reality & then broke loose...or that is what he says. Twice, couldn't go longer than 60 Days... no M...

He has had 1 foot in pretend-recovery (for almost 2 years) & the REST of himself in Candy-Up-Addiction-Land. He now admits he wasn't ever really in True Recovery...but "trying"...and was "stuck" again. And that he knows he's really fucked-up in the head. Just like before when he said he was "fighting for my family" in supposed recovery...but then moved on to /jumped to in-person acting out...massage parlors about 9 months in from the 1st D-Day...

I'm at 2 years since 1st D-Day in Dec. 23, 06...

I know I cannot keep doing this...

Thursday, September 18, 2008

OY! & VEY! & SHET!

Soooo much has happened...I promise to update when back from SA/S-Anon UNITY conference!

Love to You All!
xoxoxoxoxoxo

Thursday, September 11, 2008

EXHAUSTED...

I'm so touched to have so much support here...thank you all...And I feel badly that *I* haven't even read much at all on-line for a while...will catch up w/ YOU ALL soon. I'm home schooling my newly 9th grader SquirrelNutkin AD/HD kiddo and we just started up again in the Midst of Hell...on-top-of-all-Else...



My eyes are nearly swollen shut--have had horrendous 2 days...and Husband came over this evening to talk to me. *I'm actually REALLY glad/and interested that those of you who have DRUG addict husband's are around...more on that later...



My Husband is kicked OUT...staying w/ another guy in his men's group...the 1 guy he feels he can talk to...is trying to reach our counselor for an appoint. Supposedly started the acting out in person again for the past month...4 times...He knows he's sick...He DID have 60 Days Abstinence (were supposed to do the 90)...but then f-d up...and of course, LIED about it...

Good News: Our SA/S-Anon annual Unity Conference is coming up NEXT weekend...he so needs to go to that...we're already paid...
http://sanonunity.com/press.html


I hope to post more in the next few days...

Bless you all for Caring...Truly.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

DEAR GOD...Husband BACK in his addiction...

I just wrote this to an on-line supprt group of mine...


Today at 06:03 PM
#1
Hi All...I just found out TODAY...but I knew things weren't right, been praying for God to SHOW me for sure...and He did. I called my H. on his cell & something screwed-up & I got through to HIS conversation w/ some *new-ish massage parlor girl (without him being AWARE)...I couldn't hear HER part, but I heard HIS...she barely spoke English...I am Beside Myself...{he stopped it all but went back about 1 month ago, supposedly}...

Just when I thought he was going to be able to move back in after being separated for 4 months...Was going to his recovery stuff ...BUT I just knew things weren't right...money was missing/not seeming honest about time, even though hard to pinpoint since he has his own business & we're constantly taking out cash to pay laborers, or switch $$$ around in our accounts...He told the girl he "missed her" & was hoping he wasn't trying to see her too much!

INSANE.I don't know HOW he could go sit in church w/ me & my kids, etc...I don't know WHAT to tell my younger daughter ...or to break it to my older daughter...My mom is devestated...& my H. can't face anyone...My H. says he knows he is sick...but can't afford to do in-patient treatment...

Meantime, my younger daughter whom I homeschool is all settled into her Thursday school co-op classes...I have a call out to our counselor but haven't heard back...I'm also worried that my H. might try to kill himself as he knows this is it...

*So strange, I just knew that all of the crazy financial stuff, ETC., were consequences for my H...that God was allowing this all--LIFE falling APART...My H. wasn't willing to do his 12 Step homework...only met w/ his sponsor once...made excuses...wouldn't pray/read spiritual things...

He's been LYING again to EVERYONE...and taken money for bills that my MOM has sent to help us!
Am Devestated...