I told him yesterday that I can only have a Business Relationship w/ him...he is still unable to stop lying. I'd told him he can only see younger daughter IF he isn't in active-addiction...espec. acting-out in person/phone in any way...he is unhealthy for her & unworthy of the privilege of parenting if that is what he CHOOSES...that Iwill set a schedule/boundary plan w/ the counselor on Wed. I told daughter Dad's thinking isn't right ...very tough indeed. Older daughter (21)told him he isn't welcome in her life until he stops lying & gets healthy/in true recovery.
Meantime, he has seen younger daughter a bit...short periods. I saw my woman counselor last week & will see our mutual counselor, Sam, this Wed. I will also plan the polygraph for prob. January. I need a "baseline of truth" @ this point...I think he's probably NPD & has some sociopath traits...pathological lying has always been there...
I also told him he prob. needs meds...antidepressants to quell things for now...AND he needs to go for STD testing...
He keeps texting me: "I MISS YOU" like before...I heard him tell the new massage girl on the phone he missed her, too ...
INSANE.
I'm not responding to his text unless it's business-or-kid related...
I know I need to update & finish my story...but sorta tough when your life is a Nightmare...I'm back down to 98 lbs...NOT GOOD...& if I endure 1 more fecking ENSURE PLUS chocolate shake, I'll...just hurt the mailman or Something.
I've told our counselor & my Husband many times that my Husband is a bloody Trainwreck in an Electrical Storm...THAT is his essence...I said this BEFORE I found out about the massage parlors...the prostitutes...Before.
The 12 Step SA/S-Anon Unity conference was really good...but heavy...There was so much tension between Mr.Wisdom & Moi...I wouldn't let him stay in our hotel room & he couldn't find a roommate, so he had to drive back "home" (staying w/ another SA) & drive all the way back to the conference in the morning on Sat. We heard SA speakers tell-it-like-it-really-IS...this sex addiction thing. That YOU are going to DIE unless you STOP. DIE. And kill those that love you in many, many ways.
My Husband has a sponsor in SA, (Gary) but has only met to do work w/ him once. Never got around to taking the next directions from Gary...Was lying about going to SA meeting SOMETIMES. Often, like before. Sometines, not. Sometimes, would go to meetings & then go to massage parlors straight away after. Recently, he'd say he was going to dinner w/ the guys after the Sunday SA meeting. This (no name) Mexican restaurant in Eagle Rock. Last time (before I busted him again a few weeks ago) he said he only "ate chips" w/ the guys there. I thought that was a bit odd. The week before that, he said he had to drive another guy to the restaurant AND back to the church where the meeting was. Oh. And his cell phone was dead, so he was calling to tell me/inform me that he was leaving it in his truck to charge...in case I was trying to call him. So many times it's: my cell phone doesn't get reception on X job nor Y, Z, job, nor in the Canyon, nor on the WAY to the cabin in that long stretch...nor on the jobs on hills...or I forgot to charge it...
And, he said they weren't giving out chips @ the meeting that night (said he had 90 days)...& the next week, he "forgot" to get his 90 Day chip...FORGOT!...& it just really wasn't making any sense for past the 6-7 weeks...
Then, about 6 weeks or so ago, he bought a track phone--cheap extra cell phone because he didn't get good reception at the cabin up north where he was working (he ended up starting BACK @ massage parlors on the way out of town on the WAY to/back From that damn cabin)...which is actually true (poor cell reception)...so THERE was a Fantabulous Excuse of the Century to buy another phone to call & act out with...
Of course, it never set right w/ me...and then I busted him on 9-9-08 setting up a session w/ a newish massage girl on his normal cell phone (Idiot, Yeah.)...she barely spoke English...at 1st I thought the conversation was w/ a laborer from work...NOT. So. I kicked him out of the house AGAIN. Separated again.
But this time was different. He LET the kids think he was home finally...that he was doing well...He snowed Everyone. Used me. Used the kids. Allowed me to have sex w/ him 2 times, knowing he'd been back w/ hookers. Risked my life AGAIN. He was supposed to be in that 90 Day Abstinence...AGAIN. He had 60 Days in reality & then broke loose...or that is what he says. Twice, couldn't go longer than 60 Days... no M...
He has had 1 foot in pretend-recovery (for almost 2 years) & the REST of himself in Candy-Up-Addiction-Land. He now admits he wasn't ever really in True Recovery...but "trying"...and was "stuck" again. And that he knows he's really fucked-up in the head. Just like before when he said he was "fighting for my family" in supposed recovery...but then moved on to /jumped to in-person acting out...massage parlors about 9 months in from the 1st D-Day...
I'm at 2 years since 1st D-Day in Dec. 23, 06...
I know I cannot keep doing this...
Addiction has its own agenda
11 months ago
Posts
3 comments:
Oh, lord, this is hell. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you're staying firm in your boundaries, though, which is good. It also sounds like your daughters have a good understanding of what's going on with your husband. Just remember to take time to focus on yourself--eat well, get some exercise, treat yourself to a day at the spa. You've been through a lot and you deserve a break from time to time. Lots of hugs, Mum.
Holy sh*t Scribbling Mum!!!! 2 yrs!!!??? You are an angel!
Okay...time to take care of yourself and you cannot be weighing in at under a 100 lbs. Been there, done that myself w/ my first divorce and struggled again after discovery with husband 2. I couldn't swallow food and I get the feeling you can't either. If you need to drink it then make your own. Frozen blueberries (high in anti-oxidant), bananas, natural cashew, almond butter or hemp seed, liquid - water, soy, milk (whatever your preference). You need to get healthy food in your system to think straight and maintain your health. At one point, I had to do this 3 times daily to keep weight on.
Scribbling Mum! I want to give you a big weepy hug. And I wish I could give you some of the weight I gained with my husband's addiction. (I self medicate with food and still have some pounds to spare!)
It really resonates when you say it feels meaningless when he says he misses you because he said it to the massage girl. I've felt that way about so many things in my marriage since finding out about the addiction.
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