Shame Card

So.

I met w/ Mr. Wisdom yesterday at an outdoor coffee patio. It didn't go so well. He was very defensive.

But, he says he has 2 weeks sobriety again (from M.) & that he has NOT been acting out. True? Who knows! He told our counselor the same. He's calling 4 guys a day, etc. He thinks I always see all he isn't doing --the meetings/ step work he has missed...& not all the things he IS doing in recovery or in Life. Same old mantra...Sigh.

Just because it isn't on my timetable...blah-blah.

He's pissed that I said our whole marriage/life has been a lie...that that's not true...I told him I don't know if he's even capable of being genuine...how would I know at this point?

Rationalizations + Minimizations + Blame always = CHAOS.
I made it clear I don't want to live in chaos anymore. Ever. Again.

HE is in so much pain from the Fall Out w/ everyone knowing, etc...he cannot touch my pain...He sees the hurt on my face & can't deal w/ it...He cannot handle that his 21dd whom he has Always been really close to, won't talk to him...that my family is really angry w/ him...

He's angry that I told the younger dd that, "Dad isn't thinking clearly right now..." (explaining why he can't live w/ us again!).
Was that necessary? he whined.
What the feck did you WANT me to tell her? I said.
I don't think he can even ABSORB what he has done to me...to this family.
So, he projects anger & blame onto ME...the Enemy, who busted him & exposed his addiction. Intellectually, he can see this isn't right, but it's his automatic Default setting.

I'm really starting to get that he just cannot compute things. HE is embarrassed to go get re-STD tested...so HE feels he almost doesn't care...He-He-He...HIM.
When I said, "Well, how do you think I felt going to get tested again?" he said he was talking about how HE felt.

I was able to tell him he desperately needs to go on meds & that I'd go with him the first time to the psychiatrist...he agreed it's probably a good idea..

I told him he is erratic & all-over-the-map & the meds won't FIX anything, but they can help him gain some stability. Help w/ the anxiety. And, that until he gets truly sober & is working the Program/Steps (to right his thinking), he will continue to be Insane in his thinking & actions...as any active addict would.

I re-explained why I can only have a business relationship w/ him...(he is absolutely furious about this!) that it's pointless for him to expect anyone to have anything w/ him until he gets sober & honest. It's not healthy for me...

In the middle of the conversation, it got a bit better, but then went downhill again quite fast. He got more steely/defensive whenever my tears came. I quietly said I had to go & he watched me walk away to my car.

Some of my last words were: I cannot get why you aren't doing anything/everything to make things right (attitude-wise espec.)...you'd THINK I was the one that did this all to YOU! It's just crazy & only makes sense if it's just because you want to do whatever you want to do & aren't serious about recovery.

He texted me right after that he just feels so much SHAME.
Frankly, I'm damn weary-sick of hearing the Shame card being played.

Texted me later...something inane.

Texted me this a.m.: I love You.

I didn't respond. Still.

Only texted him back this afternoon about paying a bill.

I haven't told him this, but I cannot imagine staying married to him even though I can't fathom actually getting divorced.