MR. WISDOM

Mr. Wisdom in now getting a bit more into Recovery... um, supposedly. He's been calling 3 guys a day at least & finally taking SOME direction from his sponsor. He is meeting w/ more SA guys for coffee...& at meetings. His sponsor has him going to a Friday night A.A. meeting also...they meet @ the sponsor's home & walk to the meeting (so funny! H. was shocked! that they walk about 20 min. to the meeting... as H. is lazier-than-shet when it comes to walking & won't even walk around the block!)

I've kept our communication mostly business or kid related. He has shared this stuff w/ me occasionally when he calls to tell our younger daughter good-night, but mostly, I just don't ask & I try not to comment much when he shares. I haven't asked him at all about his sobriety or lack thereof. I doubt if he has much from acting-out-w/-self...& I don't even want to think about the acting-out in person stuff.
Doesn't really matter. He not only needs to stop, but to Stay Stopped. And I know it's extra hard to get Sober when he is:
a. separated from us (& has thrown all away)
b. has no work & we are now desperate $$$-wise
c. is having to live w/ his crazy mom

I believe that when/IF he finally DOES get Real Recovery/Sobriety, he'll WANT to tell me...as opposed to pretending like it just makes him nervous to count sobriety days like in the past.

But. It is what it is. His choices got him where he is. Unfortunately, they fecked the whole family with him.

Recovery Schedule:
He goes to a Mon. night Healing/Inner-child ministry-teaching group, Tues. night he goes to Pure Desire (sex. addict. recovery class) @ church (when it ends in Feb. hopefully, he'll go to the other local SA meeting on this night), Wed. night he has been taking my 14dd to her youth group & then either goes to Starbucks to wait for her or goes to the Bible study there (was going to check it out) or maybe God-knows-what-else/where-he-goes for 1 1/2 hrs???, every other Thurs. evening he has our counselor's private sex addict men's group, Fri. night the A.A. meeting, Sat. night--nada...& Sunday he has church & usually takes the 14dd to swim @ his mom's house or for the day...Sun. night he has his SA 12 Step meeting/home group.
He still occasionally sees his counselor 1-on-1, but we are broke so that can't happen too often. And he started seeing the counselor's partner--this amazing 75-year-old lady once a week who does inner-child healing ministry...but some how THAT didn't work out last week or this week (although he sees her Mon. evenings, as she co-teaches that class w/ his other counselor).
Yet. Who Knows if any of this is For Real...ya know, way deep down...or if it's at least STARTING to become real for him. He was doing much of this recovery stuff BEFORE & still acting out on & off. Even reading lots of SA books.

I do know he feels more comfortable w/ the SA guys now and that he has started to do the reading/assign. his sponsor has given him. I know he "got" some stuff at that 12 Step Unity Conference...
But, I also know he is an addict & loves his addiction...or at least part of him does. And he has trampled on the extra chances/grace I've given him in the past 2 years...& couldn't own his addiction.

I know he's a pathological liar, a narcissist, & whatever ELSE. Don't think any of this can change any time soon. He says he's trying...& knows HE has to want to get well/work for it...that even the kids (as much as he loves them) can't be the reason. He's an addict.
Wish we had the money for in-patient treatment. Don't think Kaiser has a SA program. Haven't looked into that yet...if they even treat/know SA...I doubt it.
I did STD testing again last Friday. HE has yet to get around to going in. Maybe it doesn't matter...if he's still acting out??? I don't know...

I just can't believe THIS is my life...it's so hard on my sweet mom, also...on my girls...on everyone.

HOW could he hide this secret Life for so many years & me not know? He played the excellent husband/father roles well. He was the best-Dad-in-the-Universe! Best husband who adored his wife!
Was a grand hypocrite. Conman...

This all would be horrendous enough, but on top of it, we have no money & work just isn't coming...
I don't know what I'm going to do.

Off for a bath now...

Think I'll begin writing a series of letter to HIM on this blog soon. Letters I probably won't ever send.

Night.