Reality Bites...

"Mental health is an ongoing process of dedication to reality at all costs."

~The Road Less Traveled - M. Scott Peck

LOVE THAT QUOTE.

I'm currently reading: People of the Lie {The Hope for Healing Human Evil} by Peck. It's an older book...interesting, scary, & food-for-thought.

I'm eventually planning to write those Letters to the Husband...but not Today.

Things seem to be getting worse. I've been through this Sex Addiction Discovery Hell long enough to know that things certainly CAN always get worse. And they often DO.

I think he's acting out again.
He's changing plans at the last minute regarding watching our younger duaghter, missing meetings w/ lame-grandiose excuses;I-just-fecking-know. He's still living at his mom's house & I'm fully aware that he really has zero accountability...but I cannot help that. He made this lame-arse commitment to go w/ a few other contractors from church to Mexico to help a house-building project. He forgot (as per usual) & told me last minute that he had to leave for the weekend...he's just ALL over the fecking map. No priorities..
I cannot BELIEVE he STILL hasn't gotten STD tested again. He doesn't care. Maybe because he knows he's going to act out again...I don't know. I think he has a death wish at this point.

THIS is normal for him--scatter-brained, undisciplined, A.D.D., non-planner, etc. BUT, since he got kicked out of the house & busted again (Sept. 9th), he's reeeeeaaaally out there. Can't think straight at all...doesn't feel like he has his own place, his stuff/tools are Everywhere...getting parking tickets left & right (a $45 meter ticket & the next day! a $380 red-light-automatic-snap-your-pic)
We have no $$$$ to be sparing At All.
His answer? He's "not perfect."
Nothing is his fault.
I'm pretty certain he has full-blown NPD (narcissist personality disorder). The best book I've read on it so far is: the Wizard of Oz & Other Narcissists. I can see his whole family in it; it just manifests itself differently in each one.
He has said he feels manic & so lost. So sad...so excruciating for Me.
He yells at me on the phone, is furious that I only want a business relationship w/ him right now, & is irrational & whines that I don't even ask how HE is doing!??? Can you imagine? Ask how HE is doing?

He cannot SEE what he has done to Me...to the girls...to this entire family, really...what he IS STILL DOING. I'm so terrified right now...he is not thinking right...has mentioned several times whenever I call him on his stuff that he wants to put a gun to his head (& he has one, btw). He is struggling to get up in the morning & go to work, knowing he owes so many people money...we are broke, but he's grateful to FIND some work.
At least he's willing to work (even if he's blowing it on tickets & bank fees & hookers). Writing that makes me truly SEE the sick reality of my situation.

I just pay what bills I can & pray he doesn't incur more bank fees the next day (last week $35 x 6 in ONE day). He uses his ATM even when he isn't sure if he has the $ to cover it...if the Evil-Bank will let him, he'll do it, regardless of the consequences. I'm trying to just ensure he doesn't go completely over-the-edge...that he works to pay the bills for his family.
I will need to get a job/ & or go back to school Somehow. and yet, still home school the special needs kiddo. Somehow.

I'm hoping to get him to FINALLY go get an evaluation to get on anti-depressants & ADHD meds...he needs to get stable. It's not that he refuses, he just never gets around to things...& is used to ME doing it for him. Used to me calling, orchestrating Everything.

The other day, I saw him for about 3 minutes when he picked up our daughter. He had this horrible LOOK to him. Pain. Wounded animal. Someone on the Run. Some kind of Evil?...I think so. I told him when I caught him on the phone w/ the massage girl recently that he "feels lost" BECAUSE he is lying with SATAN.

He said, "I know."

He can't really look me in the eyes...even when I bring this to his attention. He says it's shame...I KNOW it's because he is STILL acting out.
I know he feels totally exposed & naked...& that he has lost everything & his 21dd still won't speak to him. I know he feels he has lost it all anyway, so what does it matter? I was his only real friend. He has no one else but his Recovery guys & therapist...but he drifts from THAT--his Lifeboat, when he's choosing to Act Out.

He isn't choosing the Recovery Path...he's pretending...fighting it...and there isn't a Goddamn thing I can do about it except pray.

Every Day I lose a little more Hope. BUT. I AM seeing Reality more, which is a good thing. He has no character & he has the emotional maturity of an 8-year-old. He might've been fighting it but he's been a pretender of Truths. A Hypocrite all these years & a conman, in essence. Yes, he's been a good husband & father in many ways...but that cannot make up for the Hidden Life...the Life of Lies & Deception...the Utter Damage that has been done. The from-the-beginning-deception...

I don't think he can BE truly genuine...

YET.

I have seen so MUCH lately--new Truths every day. MY part. What I've been denying...that I was Drinking to Quell it All for so many years...All of the Stuff that I couldn't make sense of. Our addictions actually fed each other. He must've loved that I drank wine at night...loved that I just wanted to check-out before bed. I see my issues now.
My sponsor in A.A. says that THIS (husband's SA) is what God got me sober for. On November 1st, I'll have 1 YEAR Sobriety! Interesting that I came to the 12 steps/A.A. through the back door...first through S-Anon...

I suppose I could only see so much until I quit drinking at night. Duh. I have no idea how God took the obsession away except that I prayed for it. And except for the 1st few nights, I haven't strugggled with an urge to drink. Thank God...
it's the Emotional sobriety that's tough for me...espec. since I got sober smack in the middle of my husband's sex addiction shet...
but I knew I wouldn't drink over it. 'Tis a miracle, I'm sure.
Amen.

I now see the thread of my sexual abuse & how my parents operated in huge denial & did not deal w/ it properly when I finally told them (they didn't contact the authorities, so the predator went on to abuse tons of other girls, includin his own girls). I see how my mother's own drinking fed her denial & how my psychologist dad was clueless & impotent about anything Real or Intimate. He just couldn't Deal.

I see that although I was raised in a Loving & Stable home, it wasn't necessarily totally HEALTHY. I see how I chose my husband...how I allowed myself to get pregnant at 20. How I sexually acted out since I was 12 or 13. How my parents allowed me to date way older boys (insane especially since I had been molested & raped by a teacher friend & then a male babysitter at about age 8.
WHAT were they thinking! My sister & I have asked my mom this recently. My father is gone.
Who lets their 13-year-olds date 18-year-old boys?
Who lets their 15-year-old date 21-year-olds way-outta-high school?
Older boys introduced me to alcohol & drugs & sex.

Enough. There's just so much I'm seeing now. Every Day. Every hour, a new revelation. More is revealed to me.

I am forever indebted to the Wisdom of the S-Anon program & 12 Step Programs, in general. A Design for Living (& thinking), they truly are...

Night. All. Thanks for listening.