TWISTER, Anyone?

Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content.

~ Helen Keller

Christmas was difficult for me like it was for most of you. Those of us struggling to live with or to have some semblance of relationship with an addict is often harrowing, at best. It's tricky and wrought with acute pain and uncertainty. Perhaps the raw uncertainty is the most soul-wrenching part; the most fecked-up part. The what-ifs, the should-haves, the how-could-HE, Hell, the how-could-*I*?...the mind-spinning identity crisis that ensues and swirls on some Godfersaken-Endless-Loop: His and Ours and Mine, but especially ours.

How the feck did we even get here and WHY? Always: Why?

Spinner: If I have my left foot on the RED circle and my right hand on a YELLOW, can I possibly reach for the far-away GREEN circle with my left hand, scissor-kick over diagonally with my right foot onto that BLUE circle behind it, without falling & collapsing onto YOU? Onto Us? Onto Myself?

Do I lose no-matter-what?

Mr. Wisdom felt that maybe we shouldn't put our wedding rings back on until we talk to our marriage counselor about it. He wants to do things right this time. He liked that she is part of our church and the whole spiritual accountability thing. We'll be meeting with her and her husband again in 3 weeks (they are both therapists and work as a team).

I think this is a good idea, but at the same time, I don't want to wait to put our rings back on, and of course, I question his motives somehow.

He stayed over Christmas Eve. He stayed over on Christmas Day. In our bed. Weird. My cat even thought it suspicious. We still aren't physical at all--just a peck on the cheek or a spoon-back-hug. Huge, for us right now.

The day after Christmas we drove 6 1/2 hours to my mom's house. We decided to put our rings on, afterall; retrieved them from the trusty God Box before we left. No Drama. Just a quick agreement and kiss before we ran out the door. It's unspoken, but we both sort of feel like if we make ANY Big Deal out of anything anymore with some inane monster ritual, it'll just feck things up worse--jinx 'em or something or ENSURE failure by some voo-doo mojo or some such shet.

Mostly, I just didn't want to think about it long enough to cry; that is why I made it a quick oh-by-the-way-non-drama item. I'm so weary of crying all the time.

I'll leave out most holiday details, as I already wrote about some of it over on JWC. I'm finding it sort of tough to write there and then feel motivated to blog here, also. Hopefully, I just start blogging here more.

After Mr. Wisdom's little financial/banking omission the day before yesterday, I am just STUCK...again. Reminded yet again that his Core Issue is not sex addiction, but LYING and oft in some smallish way; usually, rife with the leaving out of bits-of-info. in simple mundane things. He, able to justify non-truths or half-truths, hoping that things work--will probably work out, the way he said they did/said they were/would. Um, even if they haven't actually HAPPENED/worked-out in Real Time YET (and maybe never will or could, save the fantasy). He meant for them to, so had me believe them to be already accomplished even though of course, they hadn't been yet.

This was the only thing we ever really argued about over our 20 years of marrriage before the SA was disclosed: Complete truth-telling. Dependable honesty. Oh, and finishing things.

Mr. Wisdom:

Here's novelty: Doing EXACTLY what you say you are going to do when you say you are going to do it. Saying what really happened consistently. Truth-telling. No passive-aggressive bullshet.

AND, that no amount of Other Good Deeds (yes, you've been a fabulous father & husband for the most part; yes, you've sacrificed & worked your arse off for us; yes, you have treated me like a Queen & I DO appreciate that you've always told me how much you love me & adore me; yes, you've always stood by me through all of our life tragedies...) can erase the heinous damage that LYING or Deceiving me does. No Amount.

Not sure WHY you always default back to: "But look at all of the good I have done!" in moments of immature panic. It's great that you are Beginning to SEE that you do this now. I KNOW you are overwhelmed looking finally at your lack of character, deep down. I think even you are appalled. Mostly, terrified of what to DO about it. How to start? How to change most Everything about your inside Self. That lifetime of poor coping & the Hiding. I don't know how painful that must be.

But. I just can't imagine how long & hard it'll be to ever rebuild TRUST with you again...those patterns of omission keep popping-up like timed toasters. The little deceptions Just. HAVE. to. Stop. I told you this again last night. It's NOT really about the Sex Addiction, it's about so much more.

Shame Card

So.

I met w/ Mr. Wisdom yesterday at an outdoor coffee patio. It didn't go so well. He was very defensive.

But, he says he has 2 weeks sobriety again (from M.) & that he has NOT been acting out. True? Who knows! He told our counselor the same. He's calling 4 guys a day, etc. He thinks I always see all he isn't doing --the meetings/ step work he has missed...& not all the things he IS doing in recovery or in Life. Same old mantra...Sigh.

Just because it isn't on my timetable...blah-blah.

He's pissed that I said our whole marriage/life has been a lie...that that's not true...I told him I don't know if he's even capable of being genuine...how would I know at this point?

Rationalizations + Minimizations + Blame always = CHAOS.
I made it clear I don't want to live in chaos anymore. Ever. Again.

HE is in so much pain from the Fall Out w/ everyone knowing, etc...he cannot touch my pain...He sees the hurt on my face & can't deal w/ it...He cannot handle that his 21dd whom he has Always been really close to, won't talk to him...that my family is really angry w/ him...

He's angry that I told the younger dd that, "Dad isn't thinking clearly right now..." (explaining why he can't live w/ us again!).
Was that necessary? he whined.
What the feck did you WANT me to tell her? I said.
I don't think he can even ABSORB what he has done to me...to this family.
So, he projects anger & blame onto ME...the Enemy, who busted him & exposed his addiction. Intellectually, he can see this isn't right, but it's his automatic Default setting.

I'm really starting to get that he just cannot compute things. HE is embarrassed to go get re-STD tested...so HE feels he almost doesn't care...He-He-He...HIM.
When I said, "Well, how do you think I felt going to get tested again?" he said he was talking about how HE felt.

I was able to tell him he desperately needs to go on meds & that I'd go with him the first time to the psychiatrist...he agreed it's probably a good idea..

I told him he is erratic & all-over-the-map & the meds won't FIX anything, but they can help him gain some stability. Help w/ the anxiety. And, that until he gets truly sober & is working the Program/Steps (to right his thinking), he will continue to be Insane in his thinking & actions...as any active addict would.

I re-explained why I can only have a business relationship w/ him...(he is absolutely furious about this!) that it's pointless for him to expect anyone to have anything w/ him until he gets sober & honest. It's not healthy for me...

In the middle of the conversation, it got a bit better, but then went downhill again quite fast. He got more steely/defensive whenever my tears came. I quietly said I had to go & he watched me walk away to my car.

Some of my last words were: I cannot get why you aren't doing anything/everything to make things right (attitude-wise espec.)...you'd THINK I was the one that did this all to YOU! It's just crazy & only makes sense if it's just because you want to do whatever you want to do & aren't serious about recovery.

He texted me right after that he just feels so much SHAME.
Frankly, I'm damn weary-sick of hearing the Shame card being played.

Texted me later...something inane.

Texted me this a.m.: I love You.

I didn't respond. Still.

Only texted him back this afternoon about paying a bill.

I haven't told him this, but I cannot imagine staying married to him even though I can't fathom actually getting divorced.

Reality Bites...

"Mental health is an ongoing process of dedication to reality at all costs."

~The Road Less Traveled - M. Scott Peck

LOVE THAT QUOTE.

I'm currently reading: People of the Lie {The Hope for Healing Human Evil} by Peck. It's an older book...interesting, scary, & food-for-thought.

I'm eventually planning to write those Letters to the Husband...but not Today.

Things seem to be getting worse. I've been through this Sex Addiction Discovery Hell long enough to know that things certainly CAN always get worse. And they often DO.

I think he's acting out again.
He's changing plans at the last minute regarding watching our younger duaghter, missing meetings w/ lame-grandiose excuses;I-just-fecking-know. He's still living at his mom's house & I'm fully aware that he really has zero accountability...but I cannot help that. He made this lame-arse commitment to go w/ a few other contractors from church to Mexico to help a house-building project. He forgot (as per usual) & told me last minute that he had to leave for the weekend...he's just ALL over the fecking map. No priorities..
I cannot BELIEVE he STILL hasn't gotten STD tested again. He doesn't care. Maybe because he knows he's going to act out again...I don't know. I think he has a death wish at this point.

THIS is normal for him--scatter-brained, undisciplined, A.D.D., non-planner, etc. BUT, since he got kicked out of the house & busted again (Sept. 9th), he's reeeeeaaaally out there. Can't think straight at all...doesn't feel like he has his own place, his stuff/tools are Everywhere...getting parking tickets left & right (a $45 meter ticket & the next day! a $380 red-light-automatic-snap-your-pic)
We have no $$$$ to be sparing At All.
His answer? He's "not perfect."
Nothing is his fault.
I'm pretty certain he has full-blown NPD (narcissist personality disorder). The best book I've read on it so far is: the Wizard of Oz & Other Narcissists. I can see his whole family in it; it just manifests itself differently in each one.
He has said he feels manic & so lost. So sad...so excruciating for Me.
He yells at me on the phone, is furious that I only want a business relationship w/ him right now, & is irrational & whines that I don't even ask how HE is doing!??? Can you imagine? Ask how HE is doing?

He cannot SEE what he has done to Me...to the girls...to this entire family, really...what he IS STILL DOING. I'm so terrified right now...he is not thinking right...has mentioned several times whenever I call him on his stuff that he wants to put a gun to his head (& he has one, btw). He is struggling to get up in the morning & go to work, knowing he owes so many people money...we are broke, but he's grateful to FIND some work.
At least he's willing to work (even if he's blowing it on tickets & bank fees & hookers). Writing that makes me truly SEE the sick reality of my situation.

I just pay what bills I can & pray he doesn't incur more bank fees the next day (last week $35 x 6 in ONE day). He uses his ATM even when he isn't sure if he has the $ to cover it...if the Evil-Bank will let him, he'll do it, regardless of the consequences. I'm trying to just ensure he doesn't go completely over-the-edge...that he works to pay the bills for his family.
I will need to get a job/ & or go back to school Somehow. and yet, still home school the special needs kiddo. Somehow.

I'm hoping to get him to FINALLY go get an evaluation to get on anti-depressants & ADHD meds...he needs to get stable. It's not that he refuses, he just never gets around to things...& is used to ME doing it for him. Used to me calling, orchestrating Everything.

The other day, I saw him for about 3 minutes when he picked up our daughter. He had this horrible LOOK to him. Pain. Wounded animal. Someone on the Run. Some kind of Evil?...I think so. I told him when I caught him on the phone w/ the massage girl recently that he "feels lost" BECAUSE he is lying with SATAN.

He said, "I know."

He can't really look me in the eyes...even when I bring this to his attention. He says it's shame...I KNOW it's because he is STILL acting out.
I know he feels totally exposed & naked...& that he has lost everything & his 21dd still won't speak to him. I know he feels he has lost it all anyway, so what does it matter? I was his only real friend. He has no one else but his Recovery guys & therapist...but he drifts from THAT--his Lifeboat, when he's choosing to Act Out.

He isn't choosing the Recovery Path...he's pretending...fighting it...and there isn't a Goddamn thing I can do about it except pray.

Every Day I lose a little more Hope. BUT. I AM seeing Reality more, which is a good thing. He has no character & he has the emotional maturity of an 8-year-old. He might've been fighting it but he's been a pretender of Truths. A Hypocrite all these years & a conman, in essence. Yes, he's been a good husband & father in many ways...but that cannot make up for the Hidden Life...the Life of Lies & Deception...the Utter Damage that has been done. The from-the-beginning-deception...

I don't think he can BE truly genuine...

YET.

I have seen so MUCH lately--new Truths every day. MY part. What I've been denying...that I was Drinking to Quell it All for so many years...All of the Stuff that I couldn't make sense of. Our addictions actually fed each other. He must've loved that I drank wine at night...loved that I just wanted to check-out before bed. I see my issues now.
My sponsor in A.A. says that THIS (husband's SA) is what God got me sober for. On November 1st, I'll have 1 YEAR Sobriety! Interesting that I came to the 12 steps/A.A. through the back door...first through S-Anon...

I suppose I could only see so much until I quit drinking at night. Duh. I have no idea how God took the obsession away except that I prayed for it. And except for the 1st few nights, I haven't strugggled with an urge to drink. Thank God...
it's the Emotional sobriety that's tough for me...espec. since I got sober smack in the middle of my husband's sex addiction shet...
but I knew I wouldn't drink over it. 'Tis a miracle, I'm sure.
Amen.

I now see the thread of my sexual abuse & how my parents operated in huge denial & did not deal w/ it properly when I finally told them (they didn't contact the authorities, so the predator went on to abuse tons of other girls, includin his own girls). I see how my mother's own drinking fed her denial & how my psychologist dad was clueless & impotent about anything Real or Intimate. He just couldn't Deal.

I see that although I was raised in a Loving & Stable home, it wasn't necessarily totally HEALTHY. I see how I chose my husband...how I allowed myself to get pregnant at 20. How I sexually acted out since I was 12 or 13. How my parents allowed me to date way older boys (insane especially since I had been molested & raped by a teacher friend & then a male babysitter at about age 8.
WHAT were they thinking! My sister & I have asked my mom this recently. My father is gone.
Who lets their 13-year-olds date 18-year-old boys?
Who lets their 15-year-old date 21-year-olds way-outta-high school?
Older boys introduced me to alcohol & drugs & sex.

Enough. There's just so much I'm seeing now. Every Day. Every hour, a new revelation. More is revealed to me.

I am forever indebted to the Wisdom of the S-Anon program & 12 Step Programs, in general. A Design for Living (& thinking), they truly are...

Night. All. Thanks for listening.

MR. WISDOM

Mr. Wisdom in now getting a bit more into Recovery... um, supposedly. He's been calling 3 guys a day at least & finally taking SOME direction from his sponsor. He is meeting w/ more SA guys for coffee...& at meetings. His sponsor has him going to a Friday night A.A. meeting also...they meet @ the sponsor's home & walk to the meeting (so funny! H. was shocked! that they walk about 20 min. to the meeting... as H. is lazier-than-shet when it comes to walking & won't even walk around the block!)

I've kept our communication mostly business or kid related. He has shared this stuff w/ me occasionally when he calls to tell our younger daughter good-night, but mostly, I just don't ask & I try not to comment much when he shares. I haven't asked him at all about his sobriety or lack thereof. I doubt if he has much from acting-out-w/-self...& I don't even want to think about the acting-out in person stuff.
Doesn't really matter. He not only needs to stop, but to Stay Stopped. And I know it's extra hard to get Sober when he is:
a. separated from us (& has thrown all away)
b. has no work & we are now desperate $$$-wise
c. is having to live w/ his crazy mom

I believe that when/IF he finally DOES get Real Recovery/Sobriety, he'll WANT to tell me...as opposed to pretending like it just makes him nervous to count sobriety days like in the past.

But. It is what it is. His choices got him where he is. Unfortunately, they fecked the whole family with him.

Recovery Schedule:
He goes to a Mon. night Healing/Inner-child ministry-teaching group, Tues. night he goes to Pure Desire (sex. addict. recovery class) @ church (when it ends in Feb. hopefully, he'll go to the other local SA meeting on this night), Wed. night he has been taking my 14dd to her youth group & then either goes to Starbucks to wait for her or goes to the Bible study there (was going to check it out) or maybe God-knows-what-else/where-he-goes for 1 1/2 hrs???, every other Thurs. evening he has our counselor's private sex addict men's group, Fri. night the A.A. meeting, Sat. night--nada...& Sunday he has church & usually takes the 14dd to swim @ his mom's house or for the day...Sun. night he has his SA 12 Step meeting/home group.
He still occasionally sees his counselor 1-on-1, but we are broke so that can't happen too often. And he started seeing the counselor's partner--this amazing 75-year-old lady once a week who does inner-child healing ministry...but some how THAT didn't work out last week or this week (although he sees her Mon. evenings, as she co-teaches that class w/ his other counselor).
Yet. Who Knows if any of this is For Real...ya know, way deep down...or if it's at least STARTING to become real for him. He was doing much of this recovery stuff BEFORE & still acting out on & off. Even reading lots of SA books.

I do know he feels more comfortable w/ the SA guys now and that he has started to do the reading/assign. his sponsor has given him. I know he "got" some stuff at that 12 Step Unity Conference...
But, I also know he is an addict & loves his addiction...or at least part of him does. And he has trampled on the extra chances/grace I've given him in the past 2 years...& couldn't own his addiction.

I know he's a pathological liar, a narcissist, & whatever ELSE. Don't think any of this can change any time soon. He says he's trying...& knows HE has to want to get well/work for it...that even the kids (as much as he loves them) can't be the reason. He's an addict.
Wish we had the money for in-patient treatment. Don't think Kaiser has a SA program. Haven't looked into that yet...if they even treat/know SA...I doubt it.
I did STD testing again last Friday. HE has yet to get around to going in. Maybe it doesn't matter...if he's still acting out??? I don't know...

I just can't believe THIS is my life...it's so hard on my sweet mom, also...on my girls...on everyone.

HOW could he hide this secret Life for so many years & me not know? He played the excellent husband/father roles well. He was the best-Dad-in-the-Universe! Best husband who adored his wife!
Was a grand hypocrite. Conman...

This all would be horrendous enough, but on top of it, we have no money & work just isn't coming...
I don't know what I'm going to do.

Off for a bath now...

Think I'll begin writing a series of letter to HIM on this blog soon. Letters I probably won't ever send.

Night.

Legal Separation in CA...

So, this isn't exactly an Answer...Possibility for me Afterall...

http://www.hg.org/article.asp?id=5032

Someone thought it might help protect me IF H. was to incur/hide more debt...$$$$$

DIVORCE360 has tons of helpful info...even on separation & considering your options...cheaters, etc

http://divorce360.com/

BOOK RECOMMENDATION:

1. Love, Infidelity & Sexual Addiction - A Codependent's Perspective by Christine A. Adams (EXCELLENT!)

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Infidelity-Sexual-Addiction-Codependents/dp/0595159001/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1222794192&sr=1-2

RUN & get this on Amazon...have read it about 5 times now...She had to divorce her SA husband...but the book is soooooo honest about how WE get sucked into the BS/DENIAL, etc...Better than most SA books I've read (author is a therapist).

I MISS YOU...TEXT. HELL

I told him yesterday that I can only have a Business Relationship w/ him...he is still unable to stop lying. I'd told him he can only see younger daughter IF he isn't in active-addiction...espec. acting-out in person/phone in any way...he is unhealthy for her & unworthy of the privilege of parenting if that is what he CHOOSES...that Iwill set a schedule/boundary plan w/ the counselor on Wed. I told daughter Dad's thinking isn't right ...very tough indeed. Older daughter (21)told him he isn't welcome in her life until he stops lying & gets healthy/in true recovery.

Meantime, he has seen younger daughter a bit...short periods. I saw my woman counselor last week & will see our mutual counselor, Sam, this Wed. I will also plan the polygraph for prob. January. I need a "baseline of truth" @ this point...I think he's probably NPD & has some sociopath traits...pathological lying has always been there...
I also told him he prob. needs meds...antidepressants to quell things for now...AND he needs to go for STD testing...

He keeps texting me: "I MISS YOU" like before...I heard him tell the new massage girl on the phone he missed her, too ...
INSANE.

I'm not responding to his text unless it's business-or-kid related...

I know I need to update & finish my story...but sorta tough when your life is a Nightmare...I'm back down to 98 lbs...NOT GOOD...& if I endure 1 more fecking ENSURE PLUS chocolate shake, I'll...just hurt the mailman or Something.

I've told our counselor & my Husband many times that my Husband is a bloody Trainwreck in an Electrical Storm...THAT is his essence...I said this BEFORE I found out about the massage parlors...the prostitutes...Before.

The 12 Step SA/S-Anon Unity conference was really good...but heavy...There was so much tension between Mr.Wisdom & Moi...I wouldn't let him stay in our hotel room & he couldn't find a roommate, so he had to drive back "home" (staying w/ another SA) & drive all the way back to the conference in the morning on Sat. We heard SA speakers tell-it-like-it-really-IS...this sex addiction thing. That YOU are going to DIE unless you STOP. DIE. And kill those that love you in many, many ways.

My Husband has a sponsor in SA, (Gary) but has only met to do work w/ him once. Never got around to taking the next directions from Gary...Was lying about going to SA meeting SOMETIMES. Often, like before. Sometines, not. Sometimes, would go to meetings & then go to massage parlors straight away after. Recently, he'd say he was going to dinner w/ the guys after the Sunday SA meeting. This (no name) Mexican restaurant in Eagle Rock. Last time (before I busted him again a few weeks ago) he said he only "ate chips" w/ the guys there. I thought that was a bit odd. The week before that, he said he had to drive another guy to the restaurant AND back to the church where the meeting was. Oh. And his cell phone was dead, so he was calling to tell me/inform me that he was leaving it in his truck to charge...in case I was trying to call him. So many times it's: my cell phone doesn't get reception on X job nor Y, Z, job, nor in the Canyon, nor on the WAY to the cabin in that long stretch...nor on the jobs on hills...or I forgot to charge it...

And, he said they weren't giving out chips @ the meeting that night (said he had 90 days)...& the next week, he "forgot" to get his 90 Day chip...FORGOT!...& it just really wasn't making any sense for past the 6-7 weeks...

Then, about 6 weeks or so ago, he bought a track phone--cheap extra cell phone because he didn't get good reception at the cabin up north where he was working (he ended up starting BACK @ massage parlors on the way out of town on the WAY to/back From that damn cabin)...which is actually true (poor cell reception)...so THERE was a Fantabulous Excuse of the Century to buy another phone to call & act out with...

Of course, it never set right w/ me...and then I busted him on 9-9-08 setting up a session w/ a newish massage girl on his normal cell phone (Idiot, Yeah.)...she barely spoke English...at 1st I thought the conversation was w/ a laborer from work...NOT. So. I kicked him out of the house AGAIN. Separated again.

But this time was different. He LET the kids think he was home finally...that he was doing well...He snowed Everyone. Used me. Used the kids. Allowed me to have sex w/ him 2 times, knowing he'd been back w/ hookers. Risked my life AGAIN. He was supposed to be in that 90 Day Abstinence...AGAIN. He had 60 Days in reality & then broke loose...or that is what he says. Twice, couldn't go longer than 60 Days... no M...

He has had 1 foot in pretend-recovery (for almost 2 years) & the REST of himself in Candy-Up-Addiction-Land. He now admits he wasn't ever really in True Recovery...but "trying"...and was "stuck" again. And that he knows he's really fucked-up in the head. Just like before when he said he was "fighting for my family" in supposed recovery...but then moved on to /jumped to in-person acting out...massage parlors about 9 months in from the 1st D-Day...

I'm at 2 years since 1st D-Day in Dec. 23, 06...

I know I cannot keep doing this...